ummm... hullo?

Got a very timid call from a very timid telemarketer asking very timidly if he might be able to offer me a better deal on my insurance... I not-so-timidly gave him instruction to do something to himself that could probably only be performed by a circus contortionist, or an extremely experienced yogi.

Why am I writing about this in the blog? Because this timid telemarketer called me on my CELL PHONE. The FTC and FCC say that this is not a concern -- you can CLICK HERE to read more, but it still raises a red flag to me. The last thing I want is for telemarketers to be able to reach me any time, anywhere... although if you've ever tried to call me on my cell, you know how hard it is to get ahold of me.

So to celebrate this most-recent intrusion on my privacy, I've decided to share some of my favorite techniques for dealing with telemarketers. Y'see, I have ZERO respect for telemarketers -- there is no job on earth more foul than telemarketing. So as far as I'm concerned, it's open season on telemarketers, 24/7/365. But rather than nicely and politely say no thank-you, while they look to the next line of their script that says, "if they say no thank-you...", I try to channel a little creativity and lot of pent-up hostility into the conversation. If you'd like to try any of these yourself, please feel free:

- Turrett's syndrome: I yell out random words every few seconds while they're talking. If they stop talking, I apologize and ask them to continue.

- The bad dog: While they're talking, I scold my invisible dog (warning: this can be very confusing for your pet if you actually have a dog). Occasionally, I will bark and growl for the invisible dog too.

- The no-one-ever-calls-ME ploy: If they ask me my name (and mispronounce it), this totally tips me off. I'll act like a little kid. Or an old lady. I ask them to be my friend. I ask lots of personal questions. They never last more than a minute.

- The telemarketer fetish: I pretend that they've called for phone sex. I talk dirty until they hang up. Works every time. Especially with dudes.

- The blind man: This only works with people calling you for magazine subscriptions or newspaper delivery. I get really excited and tell them that I'm so glad they called -- they must have me on their list! They always say yes, I'm on their list (duh!), and then I ask them about the braille edition of their fine publication. There's always a long pause -- I savor this moment. I say, very politely and kindly, "you did know I was blind, right? That's why you called, isn't it?", and then I listen to them twist in the wind.

- The paranoid/conspiracy plot: This one takes a little while, and requires the right telemarketer, but when it works, it's really, really fun. Every thing they say gets an answer that starts with "ooooh, I get it...", "riiiiight", or "that explains the...", then I'll act like everything they're saying is just another code for the fact that they're listening through my t.v. set, there's a periscope coming up out of my toilet to spy on me, or their jack-booted thugs are gonna kick down my door any minute. Occasionally I will let them in on my plans -- since they're the only person I can trust... once I get bored (or tongue-tied), I hang up.

- The ambush: This one also happens to be a great stress relief technique, so I highly recommend it. I reply enthusiastically until they've got a good head of steam and are really cranking on their presentation, then I will suddenly start screaming and cursing in pain, like I just dropped a water buffalo on my foot or something. I'll keep this up for a few seconds, and then I'll hang up. (Now some of you might worry that one of these telemarketers might call 911 for you -- don't worry, they're mindless, soulless bottom-feeders, and I promise you they won't.)

- The silent treatment: This is actually my most common response. I interrupt them when they're starting their shpiel, tell them I'm very interested, but can they hold on just one second? They ALWAYS buy this, and eagerly shut right up. I thank them profusely. Then I put the phone down and go about my business. I come back in 10 to 15 minutes and hang the phone up. The beautiful thing is, sometimes they're still waiting on the line.

- The Monty Python maneuver: I interrupt them and tell them before they can go any further I have to ask them a few questions. The first question is what company they're calling from -- some will try to continue their pitch once they answer this, so you've got to be fast with the next question. The second question is usually what is their name -- they're fine with answering this too. Then I usually ask them what what their favorite color is (feel free to improvise). This will usually totally befuddle them (a good time to hang up), or they'll try to continue -- at which point I say "now wasn't it annoying to have someone interrupt what you were doing and ask you stupid questions?" and I hang up.

My hope is that if I can drive just one of these bottom-feeding telemarketers to quit, I will have done a great service for my fellow man.

first glimpse

Last night I had a chance to rehearse with the violinist of my "eclectic" string trio (violin, classical guitar, and electric guitar). The violinist is none other than my good friend Jenn Sheridan, and in writing these pieces, I was thinking about her sound and her playing. She has a HUGE tone, very full and warm, and there is a great boldness and presence to her playing style -- almost like a gypsy violinist without the overblown, goofy vibrato. To compliment her style (and the ranges of the ensemble), I focused on keeping her in the warmer, rounder parts of her register, and her lines are very lyrical, savoring every note, rather than running about mindlessly.

I've been working on these scores in a very compromised situation -- since I'm moving again in another month or two, and I only moved into the apartment I have now a few months ago, I never really took the time to set up a proper studio. So I've been writing on guitar (something I desperately try to avoid), and transferring the written pieces into Sibelius on my laptop via computer keyboard (a task that could only be made more tedious if I were entering them into Finale). I have no sound system, so in order to actually hear the layers, I have to either play multiple parts on one guitar (oy!), or listen to the dinky speakers on the laptop, with the built-in audio creating the instruments -- that's really only helpful for finding wrong notes I may've entered.

So last night was the first time I got to hear the piece played with a real violin AND one of the guitar parts, and I think these pieces are going to be really beautiful. They're very "no-brow" -- they are definitely classical-chamber pieces, but there is alot of folk influence in there as well. The result is a kind of refined, home-grown sound that I'm really excited about.

I have a few bars left to finish on the last piece, and then I'm completely finished. I've sent the classical guitar parts to the classical guitarist in New York, Craig Hillelson; and I hope to get together with the electric guitarist, Vince Pontarelli, very soon...

Bravo Mr. Armstrong

Let's hear it for Lance Armstrong winning his seventh Tour de France in a row!

a weekend of firsts

This weekend was filled with new experiences -- for one, I experienced Lou Malnati's -- what Nicki describes as THE ULTIMATE CHICAGO PIZZA. [apologies for not having a pornographic image displayed of said pizza (a la the Mackeyblog). You'll have to settle for this uber-genero-shmaltzy shot...]

Now for those of you who are unenlightened, Chicago is legendary for it's pizza, and for very, very, very good reason. Do you know what the hardest thing to find in Chicago is? Pizza Hut. I think there's one of them, and it does almost no business. And in my not-so-humble opinion, as corporate pizza goes, Pizza Hut is the way to go (unless there's a Papa John's nearby -- but that is another blog). And don't talk to me about Domino's -- you'll just embarass yourself. Domino's pizza has only ever been good for one thing -- practical jokes.

So getting back to the topic-at-hand -- quite simply, the pizza in Chicago is extraordinary. I can't imagine another location in the United States where something as deliciously decadent and down-right unhealthy as "Chicago-style" pizza could be invented (also, it'd be stupid to call it "Chicago-style" if it were invented in Longmont, Colorado...).

Now don't get me wrong -- there are other cities that also have famous pizza -- New York is the first (and ummm... last) to spring to mind, and I don't doubt that they would defend the honor of their unbelievably flat, unbelievably large, by-the-slice slices with pizza-cutters a-spinning and shake-y cheese dispensers at the ready. And I wouldn't blame them -- I practically LIVED on ziti pizza for the entire year I lived in NYC. But there comes a time when, if you're really going to be an extreme pizza eater, you at least attempt what is known as pizza, "Chicago-style".

What is "Chicago-style" pizza, you ask? It starts with a thin, stiff crust -- this is Chicago-style pizza's only downfall. Often-times, the crust is inedible. But truthfully, that doesn't really matter -- the crust is just a way to deliver the goods. Y'see, the crust comes up about an inch on every side -- it's like a kiddie pool for all the "toppings" (which go on the inside) and the sauce (which usually goes on top -- see photo), and THE CHEESE. Oh sweet Jesus, the cheese of it all... it is an ungodly amount of cheese... a CRIMINAL amount of cheese... it's a lactose-intolerant's worse nightmare. To give you some idea of what I'm talking about, imagine all the cheese you can possibly imagine... go ahead, imagine it... OK, got a picture in your mind?

It's more cheese than that.

Lou Malnati's does everything right that 99% of the Chicago pizza establishments do right -- the "toppings" are very fresh, the sauce is very tangy, and the cheese is... well c'mon, it's cheese -- cheese rocks. What Lou Malnati's does to put themselves over the top of that is what's known as a "butter crust". This is a Chicago-style crust you WANT to eat. This is a crust that, even if you don't like the crust on pizza, you ask your buddy if he/she is going to eat their crust (and he/she very defensively snaps "YES OF COURSE I'M GOING TO EAT MY CRUST!!! EAT YOUR OWN &*%$ING CRUST!?!"). Butter crust. Mmmm... good...

Other new experiences, you ask? Well... I also changed my first diaper... but I thought maybe I'd leave those details OUT of the blog...

Newman & Alarm Will Sound

Jonathan Newman has been involved a very exciting project of late. Cantaloupe Music recently released the CD "ACOUSTICA: Alarm Will Sound Performs Aphex Twin" , and Newman contributed arrangements of Aphex Twin's "Fingerbib" and "Logon Rock Witch"! The project comes to full fruition at the Lincoln Center Festival this weekend, when the outstanding chamber orchestra Alarm Will Sound performs everything on the CD (plus some DJ re-mixes), live, at The Allen Room, the new Jazz at Lincoln Center facility in the Time Warner Building. The performance is on Sunday (July 24) at 9pm.

The New York Times calls Alarm Will Sound "the future of classical music". Newman says if you can't make the concert ("perhaps you live 2000 miles away or something, which I suppose is a decent excuse") then the new CD will certainly provide an excellent taste of this weekend's concert. You can CLICK HERE to hear excerpts, or look it up on in the iTunes Music Store.

If you're interested in tickets, you can CLICK HERE.

shameless plug

My sister, in an attempt to burn through her allotted 15 minutes of fame in the shortest time possible, has squandered it foolishly in the latest television commercial for UNDER ARMOUR -- the sports apparel company. You can see her in it by CLICKING HERE.

You see her?

Watch it again.

About mid-way through, when the football players are coming through the tunnel, they're slapping the hands of the fans, and she's the most visible of the fans.

I'm not kidding -- that's her.

Seriously.

Dude.

(and by the way, if you haven't gotten wise, Under Armour kicks ass.)

must-see

I saw the movie "Crash" this weekend -- not the David Cronenberg "Crash" with all the sex and car crashes (BTW: interesting score by Howard Shore in that film. It uses layered electric guitars). But I digress...

This movie is truly amazing -- it is great, important art. Big-cast films about lives intersecting in Los Angeles are almost becoming a genre (Magnolia, Timecode, even Pulp Fiction), and this one rises above them all. I think anyone over the age of 16 should be required to see this film.

trio update

4 pieces done, last one almost finished...

but Mom, this IS my homework!

This weekend I've got to do some research for work.

Do you KNOW what that means?

I've got to play video games! HOO HOO!!!!!

I'm late. I'm late. For a very important date.

downsizing

Remember the music I was writing for the "string" quartet? It's been downsized to a trio -- violin, electric guitar, and classical guitar -- but I think it's turning out even better with the added limitation. I've got 1 piece finished, 3 pieces almost done, and one more to go...

the state of the Art

So we've all heard the hype about how amazing the new X-box 360 is going to be, but do you really have any idea how much better it's going to be really?

Here's a glimpse at what's possible: CLICK HERE and check this picture out. Take your time with it. Really look at it. Big deal, you say? THAT'S NOT A PHOTOGRAPH -- that's digitally rendered art for the new Project Gotham Racing 3 game. Take a look at it again. Don't believe it's virtual? CLICK HERE to see the wire-frame that created that image.

The best quote I've heard so far about it was:

"HOLY COW that is amazing! I’m betting you will really get to appreciate all that work as you zoom by it at 120 mph."

Metasynth

Been digging into some of my new gear -- the COOLEST piece by far is Metasynth. I cannot stop playing with it. It is absolutely amazing -- totally intuitive once you know to use it, which makes it alot more right-brained/creative. I've only covered the first "room" out of four that this program has to offer, but I'm seriously blown away.

Gotta go play with it some more...!

didit!

I wrote my first tune for the upcoming Mortal Kombat today!!!

It is alive!!!

After days of installing, registering, researching, rewiring, re-reading, patching, plugging, tweaking, twiddling, troubleshooting, and testing, my Midway studio is 100% fully-functional -- a bleeding-edge-of-technology, hyper-sophisto sonic laboratory, capable of conjuring up just about any music, dialogue or sound effect that anyone can dream up.

LET'S MAKE SOME NOIZE!!!

The Bionic Geek

I'm well into my second week at the way of Mid, and I must say, it's been a non-stop learning curve, STRAIGHT UP -- which I am enjoying the heck out of. Not only is the work new, but even the processes and methods are new. Even stuff I've been doing for years, these guys are showing me new ways to improve my techniques. They're showing me tricks so that I keep from switching back and forth between the mouse and the keyboard and avoid pull-down menus -- I knew a couple of quick-keys, but these guys are really refining my technique. For example, did you know that on a PC, you can toggle between open applications by holding down [Alt] and hitting [Tab]? I sure didn't, and all that dragging and clicking wastes valuable time. They're making me better... stronger... faster...

family reunion

(As promised, here are a few snaps from this past weekend's family reunion. I realize that these might not be the action shots you were hoping for, as I was in the water for the greased watermelon competition and therefore could not take pictures of it without getting the camera wet... nevertheless, here they are!)

these are the "greats" -- my Grandma, my Great Uncle Jim, my Great Aunt Alice, and my Great Uncle Danny.

My Great Uncle Virgil's family... the reunion was at my cousin Ned's place -- he's the guy in the middle with the white baseball cap.

My Great Uncle Art's family...

This is my Grandma's family -- she was the oldest girl out of ten kids. For that, we figured we should pick her up...

My Uncle Danny's family. They're half the reunion!

My Aunt Pearl's family...

My Uncle Jim's family... hmmm... that name sounds familiar...

This is my Aunt Arlene and my cousin Tim (a.k.a. "Twistie")...

These are the last few -- my Aunt Alice, her friend Pete, and my Uncle Buck's daughter Petra and her husband. Yes -- I have an Uncle Buck.

Here's Nicki giving it her all in the rock toss. That rock weighs about 17 pounds. Nicki still can't move her neck...

This is my sister Anne, the female winner of the rock toss, holding one of our cousins-in-law, the male winner of the rock toss. Immediately following this picture, Anne carried this 200 pound bruiser down to the pond and threw him in. She's way strong, that Anne...

I did manage to score ONE RINGER while playing horseshoes! Unfortunately, that's only 3 points and you play to 21...

The beloved family still. Everyone had their own way to survive prohibition -- it's just that some people's methods were more profitable than others!

to be continued...

This Independence Day weekend Nic and I headed back to Bucyrus, Ohio -- the Bratwurst Capital of America -- for the Heydinger family reunion (my grandmother's family on my mother's side). 131 of my closest relatives and I come together once every 5 years to celebrate, and it's always a great party. There's a pig roast, and a silent auction, and for the more athletic types there's horseshoes to be thrown, a rock toss, a golf scramble, and a greased watermelon competition. Tomorrow I have every intention of having pictures to share with you all, but for the moment, hang tight -- this is to be continued!

mom always said I'd be famous...

The devoted blog-readers know that occasionally, my job requires me to play certain roles -- act as the voice of an onscreen character. In the past I've done everything from being a piece of teenage-talking-dynamite or a fuzzy miniature alien to portraying a hip slacker or a used-car salesman. I've even barked like a dog. But today I think I finally played the role that really defines me -- I was a Skeleton Fire Zombie for the upcoming game Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks. It wasn't a big part, but it did involve alot of growling and gnashing of teeth (I've always wanted to gnash my teeth on a microphone).

With this under my belt, I'm guessing I've got about 12.5 more minutes of fame left to play around with...