ummm... hullo?

Got a very timid call from a very timid telemarketer asking very timidly if he might be able to offer me a better deal on my insurance... I not-so-timidly gave him instruction to do something to himself that could probably only be performed by a circus contortionist, or an extremely experienced yogi.

Why am I writing about this in the blog? Because this timid telemarketer called me on my CELL PHONE. The FTC and FCC say that this is not a concern -- you can CLICK HERE to read more, but it still raises a red flag to me. The last thing I want is for telemarketers to be able to reach me any time, anywhere... although if you've ever tried to call me on my cell, you know how hard it is to get ahold of me.

So to celebrate this most-recent intrusion on my privacy, I've decided to share some of my favorite techniques for dealing with telemarketers. Y'see, I have ZERO respect for telemarketers -- there is no job on earth more foul than telemarketing. So as far as I'm concerned, it's open season on telemarketers, 24/7/365. But rather than nicely and politely say no thank-you, while they look to the next line of their script that says, "if they say no thank-you...", I try to channel a little creativity and lot of pent-up hostility into the conversation. If you'd like to try any of these yourself, please feel free:

- Turrett's syndrome: I yell out random words every few seconds while they're talking. If they stop talking, I apologize and ask them to continue.

- The bad dog: While they're talking, I scold my invisible dog (warning: this can be very confusing for your pet if you actually have a dog). Occasionally, I will bark and growl for the invisible dog too.

- The no-one-ever-calls-ME ploy: If they ask me my name (and mispronounce it), this totally tips me off. I'll act like a little kid. Or an old lady. I ask them to be my friend. I ask lots of personal questions. They never last more than a minute.

- The telemarketer fetish: I pretend that they've called for phone sex. I talk dirty until they hang up. Works every time. Especially with dudes.

- The blind man: This only works with people calling you for magazine subscriptions or newspaper delivery. I get really excited and tell them that I'm so glad they called -- they must have me on their list! They always say yes, I'm on their list (duh!), and then I ask them about the braille edition of their fine publication. There's always a long pause -- I savor this moment. I say, very politely and kindly, "you did know I was blind, right? That's why you called, isn't it?", and then I listen to them twist in the wind.

- The paranoid/conspiracy plot: This one takes a little while, and requires the right telemarketer, but when it works, it's really, really fun. Every thing they say gets an answer that starts with "ooooh, I get it...", "riiiiight", or "that explains the...", then I'll act like everything they're saying is just another code for the fact that they're listening through my t.v. set, there's a periscope coming up out of my toilet to spy on me, or their jack-booted thugs are gonna kick down my door any minute. Occasionally I will let them in on my plans -- since they're the only person I can trust... once I get bored (or tongue-tied), I hang up.

- The ambush: This one also happens to be a great stress relief technique, so I highly recommend it. I reply enthusiastically until they've got a good head of steam and are really cranking on their presentation, then I will suddenly start screaming and cursing in pain, like I just dropped a water buffalo on my foot or something. I'll keep this up for a few seconds, and then I'll hang up. (Now some of you might worry that one of these telemarketers might call 911 for you -- don't worry, they're mindless, soulless bottom-feeders, and I promise you they won't.)

- The silent treatment: This is actually my most common response. I interrupt them when they're starting their shpiel, tell them I'm very interested, but can they hold on just one second? They ALWAYS buy this, and eagerly shut right up. I thank them profusely. Then I put the phone down and go about my business. I come back in 10 to 15 minutes and hang the phone up. The beautiful thing is, sometimes they're still waiting on the line.

- The Monty Python maneuver: I interrupt them and tell them before they can go any further I have to ask them a few questions. The first question is what company they're calling from -- some will try to continue their pitch once they answer this, so you've got to be fast with the next question. The second question is usually what is their name -- they're fine with answering this too. Then I usually ask them what what their favorite color is (feel free to improvise). This will usually totally befuddle them (a good time to hang up), or they'll try to continue -- at which point I say "now wasn't it annoying to have someone interrupt what you were doing and ask you stupid questions?" and I hang up.

My hope is that if I can drive just one of these bottom-feeding telemarketers to quit, I will have done a great service for my fellow man.