FW: email of the day

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor... Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable
level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last:

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.