TSO RANT
For those of you who don't frequent the BCM forum, there was a question posted recently about the Trans-Siberian Orchestra -- what I thought of them. 'Tis the season to be outspoken, so I thought I'd share some holiday cheer and explain why I think the Trans-Siberian Orchestra blows. I feel a very, very deep, profound revulsion for this music and there is no way I can keep it to myself any longer. What I am about to write is more of a rant than an organized rationalization -- I realize that if I haven't offended any of you TSO fans yet, I'm about to. Bigtime. Trevor asked the $100,000 question, and now he's gonna get the 4-alarm answer.
WHY THE TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA BLOWS:
1. IT'S NOT MUSIC, IT'S COMMERCE. First rule of the record business -- Christmas records sell. Why, you ask? Because there are an ungodly number of thoughtless dingleberries out there who don't care enough to buy a thoughtful gift for a loved one, and instead, buy them something that they can't use for another 364 days. Is this the TSO's fault? YES. When you look at a discography that includes FOUR Christmas albums and ONE concept album (that as far as I can tell, was an abysmal failure), that can mean only one thing. Do you think the leaders of the TSO are just HUGE lovers of Christmas music? I THINK NOT. Their motivation is to make a LOT of money, and to do it in a repetitive, reflexive, regurgitative, UNCREATIVE way -- by exploiting the spirit of Christmas... over... and over... and over... and over... they're not just sell-outs -- they're sell-outs on Santa.
2. IT'S BAD MUSIC. OK, I've established it's vile motivation. Let's look at what it really is... is it rock music? C'mon people, just because it has an electric guitar doesn't mean it rocks. They've yanked the teeth out of the rock so it's harmless. Now the only damage this music could possibly do is gum you to death. It has an orchestra... is it art music? Speaking for myself (and this is probably the only time you'll read that in this entire rant), it does nothing to illustrate or illuminate anything for me, and it's not particularly innovative or even well-crafted. So what is it really? It's a bastardized form of rock and (dare I say it?) classical music -- it's the worst of both worlds.
3. THE ORCHESTRATION IS INSIPID. How tragic to actually assemble so many trained, skilled musicians and then offer them ham-handed parts that offer only the most simple-minded motives the orchestra can create. (this goes for Metallica's S&M album, which in my outspoken opinion, is also 90% crap.)
4. THE BAND SUCKS. There is a long tradition of hard/progressive rock that has elevated our expectations of rock musicians. Led Zep. Black Sabbath. Rush. Metallica. Iron Maiden. Queensryche. Dream Theatre. The TSO band parts are trite and hackneyed. These guys are more inspired by Andrew Lloyd Webber than any real musicians of the genre they exploit.
5. THEY HAVE NOTHING OF ANY VALUE TO OFFER. Actually, that's not totally true. I did see a music video of their's once that had some hot chicks in it. Other than that, their music and their concepts are pandering and simple-minded.
6. I'M SICK OF HEARING THAT CHAOS THEORY SOUNDS LIKE THE TSO. Do you hear any sleigh bells in Chaos Theory?!? Do any of my solos sound like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"?!? There are electric guitars and french horns in both -- that's about where the common ground ends. Same thing with any comparisons with Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals and my personal favorite, the Metallica S&M album. Sorry folks -- I'll smile, I'll be polite, but you're KILLING me when you tell me that you can't hear a difference.
7. THE TSO ARE DOING WHAT I WOULD KILL TO DO, AND THEY'RE DOING IT BADLY. Yes, I am positively green with envy. These guys stand at the doorstep of extraordinary musical potential, and what do they do? They sing Christmas carols to serve their own fiscal greed. They could still do what they do, and at least TRY to do it with some artfulness, but they'd rather count their lucre than create. Their ungracious sacrilege against the great glorious gift of music offends me. And I swear when I get the chance, I won't do it like they're doing it.
WHY THE TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA BLOWS:
1. IT'S NOT MUSIC, IT'S COMMERCE. First rule of the record business -- Christmas records sell. Why, you ask? Because there are an ungodly number of thoughtless dingleberries out there who don't care enough to buy a thoughtful gift for a loved one, and instead, buy them something that they can't use for another 364 days. Is this the TSO's fault? YES. When you look at a discography that includes FOUR Christmas albums and ONE concept album (that as far as I can tell, was an abysmal failure), that can mean only one thing. Do you think the leaders of the TSO are just HUGE lovers of Christmas music? I THINK NOT. Their motivation is to make a LOT of money, and to do it in a repetitive, reflexive, regurgitative, UNCREATIVE way -- by exploiting the spirit of Christmas... over... and over... and over... and over... they're not just sell-outs -- they're sell-outs on Santa.
2. IT'S BAD MUSIC. OK, I've established it's vile motivation. Let's look at what it really is... is it rock music? C'mon people, just because it has an electric guitar doesn't mean it rocks. They've yanked the teeth out of the rock so it's harmless. Now the only damage this music could possibly do is gum you to death. It has an orchestra... is it art music? Speaking for myself (and this is probably the only time you'll read that in this entire rant), it does nothing to illustrate or illuminate anything for me, and it's not particularly innovative or even well-crafted. So what is it really? It's a bastardized form of rock and (dare I say it?) classical music -- it's the worst of both worlds.
3. THE ORCHESTRATION IS INSIPID. How tragic to actually assemble so many trained, skilled musicians and then offer them ham-handed parts that offer only the most simple-minded motives the orchestra can create. (this goes for Metallica's S&M album, which in my outspoken opinion, is also 90% crap.)
4. THE BAND SUCKS. There is a long tradition of hard/progressive rock that has elevated our expectations of rock musicians. Led Zep. Black Sabbath. Rush. Metallica. Iron Maiden. Queensryche. Dream Theatre. The TSO band parts are trite and hackneyed. These guys are more inspired by Andrew Lloyd Webber than any real musicians of the genre they exploit.
5. THEY HAVE NOTHING OF ANY VALUE TO OFFER. Actually, that's not totally true. I did see a music video of their's once that had some hot chicks in it. Other than that, their music and their concepts are pandering and simple-minded.
6. I'M SICK OF HEARING THAT CHAOS THEORY SOUNDS LIKE THE TSO. Do you hear any sleigh bells in Chaos Theory?!? Do any of my solos sound like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"?!? There are electric guitars and french horns in both -- that's about where the common ground ends. Same thing with any comparisons with Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals and my personal favorite, the Metallica S&M album. Sorry folks -- I'll smile, I'll be polite, but you're KILLING me when you tell me that you can't hear a difference.
7. THE TSO ARE DOING WHAT I WOULD KILL TO DO, AND THEY'RE DOING IT BADLY. Yes, I am positively green with envy. These guys stand at the doorstep of extraordinary musical potential, and what do they do? They sing Christmas carols to serve their own fiscal greed. They could still do what they do, and at least TRY to do it with some artfulness, but they'd rather count their lucre than create. Their ungracious sacrilege against the great glorious gift of music offends me. And I swear when I get the chance, I won't do it like they're doing it.
5 Comments:
I guess I struck quite the right(wrong) chord :D.
-Trevor
I am one of the students from Mountain View High School in Colorado who performed Chaos theory with you...I for one am shocked anyone would make such an insult to say that Chaos Thoery sounds like TSO several members of the band and myself could beg to differ.
Chaos Theory is a hell of a lot better than TSO.
-one of the three bassoons
Since you think TSO is so awful, what do you think of Manheim Steamroller? They also seem to put a lot of Christmas music out there and it all sounds the same. If given a choice which would you rather listen to?
Here's a similar question -- which would you prefer: a nasty papercut, or a poke in the eye?
Well all I have to say is thank god for hot chicks...otherwise, there's be nothing nice to say about them at all!
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