Friday, May 28, 2004

What's worse than the mullygrubs?

Today is my buddy Bruno Galano's birthday. He's Brazilian, and he wanted to go to a traditional Brazilian restaurant (called a "Churrascaria") for lunch. Churrascarias pride themselves on their varieties of grilled meats. So a bunch of us went down to FOGO DE CHAO to celebrate with him.

[Before I go any further, let me just say that this restaurant is fabulous. The food is wonderfully prepared, and the service is really excellent. OK, read on...]

Here's how the game works -- for a fixed price, you're given a place to sit, a clean plate, and a little colored disc. The disc is to be used for self-defense (you'll understand how and why very shortly). The disc is green on one side and red on the other. When you get the disc, it's red-side-up. Say you decide to flip the disc over to the green side. Green means "go". From across the restaurant, the waiters SOMEHOW can sense that you've flipped your disc, and a swarm of them rush over to your table. Now what I haven't told you yet is that the management has given each waiter two swords -- one skewered with a large hunk of meat, and the other unsheathed and ready for action. So suddenly you've got sword-wielding waiters charging toward your table! They begin to slash and hack with their swords, dropping slabs of grilled meat onto your plate. You can try to wave them off politely, but they'll just keep on coming in waves... until you flip the disc back over to red. Red means "for the love of God PLEASE STOP!!!". All the waiters then evaporate in an instant, and you're left wondering how so much meat got onto your plate in the span of 3-tenths of a second.

Now I've been a "pescatarian" for about 5 months now -- basically that means I'm a vegetarian that eats fish. Another name for this is a "cheater", or a "vegetarian with training wheels". But I didn't want to miss out on this cultural experience, so after a visit to their extraordinary salad bar, I flipped my disc and braced myself for the onslaught.

It wasn't until after the meal that I realized that my stomach hasn't digested a morsel of red meat in months, and it's waaaaaaay out of practice. I feel dizzy. I feel nauseous. I have a headache and my whole body has this heavy aching feeling that's radiating from the large ball of meat in my stomach...

(when I was a kid, my dad taught us the term "the mullygrubs" -- that's when you've eaten so much you wish you were dead. We've all experienced this one before (it usually involves ice cream). But I have to say that this sensation makes "the mullygrubs" feel like standing in front of an air conditioner on a hot summer day.

Ooooooooooh....

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